The Bayswater Blues

Allo my Old Cock Sparrows .............Just got back from Mrs Migginns "Real East End Pie Shop" ..........Cor-Blimey Guvnor I tell ya......... I was "Hank Marvin" (Starvin) for some "Frank Boff" (Scoff) I had Pie and Mash, jellied eels and a pint of gin and all for a farthing! I tell ya Guv that was right royal grub that was Cor-lummy......fit for a Pearly King or Queen!For afters the choices are impetigo, rickets or your throat slit by a strange looking gentleman in a tall black hat! Can't be bad. Ere we are then London. Iv'e now been a "Cockney Sparrow" for all of five weeks!I am living in Bayswater, just of the Bayswater Road, 2 minutes from Hyde Park (More the Kensington Gardens end) It is a crazy 24/7 place, restaurants, pubs and wall to wall tacky tourist gift shops. I felt like I stuck out. As if everyone knew I was not from these parts.So I needed a plan to blend in and to become a "Grey Man" in my new alien environment.A Plan was devised............in order to allow myself to blend with the other 900,0000,000,000,000 or so Londoners in the vicinity of Queensway and Bayswater I dressed just like Dick-Van-Dyke in Mary Poppins, this included neckerchief,crazed smile, silly walk and thoroughly convincing Cockney accent. Did it work did it hell as like! Everytime I tried to coerce some passing "chimney Sweeps" into a song and dance routine they'd call the police!So I tried plan B. In order to blend into my new surroundings I would look innocent but also capable of looking after myself. A cross between Oliver Twist and Phil Mitchell. So shaven headed,bare footed, baggy shirted, wearing a dickension Cap, leather jacket and shooter I hung around the arches saying "Hello Bruv" to passers by. This did not help me to integrate myself with the locals but it did get some strange sexual offers from a couple of Merchant Bankers!Then it came to me ...........The only way to fit into Bayswater is to do the following.....1. Wear what ever you want, the more miss matched the better also drag a small suitcase on wheels behind you.2. Rush everywhere! Why take it easy when you can rush.3. Have your mobile in one hand and a lit cigarette in the other, wave both arms whilst talking very loudly.4. Never stay left on Tube Station stairwells.....nope.....always battle against the flow of people. Waving those arms and talking very loudly!5. Finally, and this is the most important! As you blow smoke into everybody's faces whislt deafening them with your voice you must speak any other language than English. Do NOT speaky da Englishy! Russian, Greek, African, German, Japanese, Urdu, Chinese, American, Welsh or Geordie will do. It seems like I am the only English speaker in Bayswater.As I do not speak fluent tourist, nor do I eat fast food, nor do I want a "Mind the Gap" teeshirt, I am destined to be an outcast amongst my fellow Bayswater migrants! for the rest of my days here in London!