A Tale of Slease

Can you beleive it? There seems to be something dodgy going on around Old Brompton Road. Oh no!.....oh yes! There is a struggle being fought in the dark underbelly of the area. What you may ask? Well I will tell you and it is NOT pretty, how can house prices be so ridiculously high with a a small scale war being waged in South Kensington. It is a daily struggle, a constant battle, never ending. One side has the upper hand and then the other side takes control. One thing is for certain during the 6 weeks I have been here neither side has scored a total victory. So what is this epic struggle? Why do the forces for good constantly battle the the Dark Hoards in this area of London? Is it the war against terror?........................Nope! Is it a gang releated "turf" war?............Nope! Is it organised crime...............not really. There are signs all over this neighborhood that state "Burgler beware the Police operate undercover in this area!" So is that the answer its an ongoing war between the "Old Bill" and "Burgler Bill Sykes"? Nope! This war is being waged in order to protect the moral fibre of the Kensington populous. What do they need protecting against you ask? Drug dealers?, Arms dealers?, Muggers? Crazy Junkies?, Un-paid flunkies? or Northern Monkies?No nothing so serious. This problem is as old as time. Certain "ladies of the night" advertise their wide ranging services on the inside walls of the 4 red phone boxes across from the Zetland Arms pub. Nothing major nothing overly explicit, just business cards....."Juicy Lucy-willing-and able" .................... "Naughty Nancy-is bound to please" .............."Madame Whiplash-your pain is my pleasure"................"Fat Alice- sweats a bit but otherwise hygenic and has a great personality!"The cards go up the council removes em!.....................the cards go up the council removes em!.............................. the cards go up the ...........yep the circle of slease........ the council removes em. It is funny how they are removed. A firm of contract cleaners blitz the phone boxes and the cards and stickers wind up on the floor. They are not taken away they now just blow around the street! Very handy for passing horny dwarves who look downwards as they walk.So how do these telephone advertisements get back onto the walls of these bright red London landmarks. I pondered this question many times. They cards are back sooooooooo quickly.I doubt that the actual "ladies of the night" place their buisiness cards themselves. They would draw too much attention to themselves. Imaginge Madame Whiplash sautering down Old Brompton Road whip in one hand two dog leads in the other. At the end of each lead is a sad submissive gimp on it's hands and knees with her business cards in it's mouth. I tried to visualise Naughty Nancy bound, gagged and trussed (like an oven ready chicken including stuffing!) She wouldn't be able to place her cards unless the handcuffs were removed! My final though was of "Fat Alice" waddling down the street with her lycra Mother Superior costume fit to burst!.No, one thing was for certain they did not place their own cards, it just wouldn't work. So that said, how do the cards get back in the phoneboxes so quickly? I had no idea. Then whilst having a pie and a pint in the Zetland Arms it all became apparant. I was sat facing the 4 telephone boxes when it happened, and boy was it fast. Blink and you would miss it.........................................................so who was doing it?...........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................The cards were placed in the boxes by urchins! No not the prickly sea type creatures! No I mean street urchins (snotty, spotty, hoody wearing teenagers who should by rights be at school) There were about seven of em all bobbing and weaving, glancing this way and that. If it wasn't for all the "Bling" and Baseball Caps you would think that a troop of meercats were coming down the road! The majority stood guard keeping their eyes peeled for predators, Local Chinless, Contract Cleaners and the "Old Bill". Meanwhile 4 urchins hit the boxes. With fingers working like LSD crazed maggots the stickers are back up in a flash. The boss urchin/mongoose barks a command and they dissapear. The mystery solved I sat back and finished my pint.A week or so later whilst bringing Cara and Zak to see their Mum we saw the Urchins meet with a predator. Just by the Post Office two urchins were being searched after being arrested by the undercover police that operate in the area. Cara was so funny, I knew that she had seen the arrest as her pace increased and she looked anywhere but the action. She told me later that she thought it was a robbery and that she would be next! Bless! No Cara don't worry your pretty little head. The Posh folk of South Kensington don't do crime they have their own undercover police force to thwart the dreaded threat of Prossies Naughty Business Advertisements!